Below, is a blurb a friend wrote on his own page. I was astounded by it so much, that I wanted to share with my readers here. This thing made me sit up straighter and take some stock. It made me say.. .'Wow'. I hope it affects you in the same. Warning, the following message is powerful, will make you think, and possibly change your life. Now you know... keep reading. It's definately worth it.
Recently I spoke with someone through Facebook who was looking for a long lost relative. The person they were looking for shared my name, but I had to inform them that I we are not one in the same.
It was a brief conversation lasting no more than a few replies back and forth, but that talk has stayed with me for the last few days. Here this person was, trying so hard to find their family member just so that they could reconnect. The clench of the conversation for me was that they had also found an obituary of a man with my name and this person I was talking to made a remark to the effect of "We have been looking for him, and we just hope that he hasn't died before we are able to find him." How awful must that feeling be?
I have been wondering for two days what it must feel like to know that somewhere in the world exists a person that you know you should know and have a loving relationship with, but not even know if they are living anymore. There must be some amount of frustration, possibly despair, anguish, fear... I cannot even imagine, really. There is a part of me that wishes I had been the right person, just for the sake of this family of his knowing.
The closest I can get to understanding is Matthew. For those reading who do not know, please let me describe my relationship with Matthew. Growing up, I was the second of four siblings. My elder sibling is my sister. The thing is, I always wished for an older brother. I cannot remember a time in my life when I did not have that desire. I remember as a kid when I found out that my mom was going to be having a baby girl asking "When are you gonna have a big brother for me?" I didn't understand the look of subtle amusement on her face then because I was very serious.
Of course I understood as I went about the business of growing up. However, no matter how old I got or how many friends I acquired, I never got over the intense longing for my brother- almost like I had already known him and he was now missing. I had in my head his approximate age, his personality, imaginary scenarios that a brother would have come in handy for- all kinds of weird stuff like that.
Where I come to Matthew is when I was 17 years old. I was sitting at home one day and somehow the topic of pregnancy came up- more specifically miscarriages. My mom made a comment that she had had a miscarriage before my older sister was born. She didn't seem to understand when I perked up and asked her more specifically when it had occurred (at this point in life I had stopped bringing up having a brother due to it being impossible and all). When she told me that it was within the time-frame I had imaged my brother would be, it all slammed home.
It is almost like I was pre-wired to know that I was to have a big brother to look up to and depend upon, but when I was born there was no brother waiting for me. If you haven't already figured it out, I have since named my brother Matthew as that is the name that I believe my mother would have given him. This is the closest I can come to relating with my new acquaintance who was looking for their lost family. They must be feeling what I felt for those 17 years looking for Matt. They KNOW he is out there, and that they should be able to find him, but he has yet to show up.
I know that all of my life I have tried to find substitutes for Matthew. I have tried to make other people into him, or have tried to simply hope that they would come to act towards me in the way that I imaged he would. However, nobody, no matter how close we become or how much I come to love someone, can take his place. I know that Matthew is waiting for me in Heaven, and that gives me some sense of closure or whatever you want to call it, but he still isn't here now with me. That feeling is sometimes terrible. Sometimes that swells into a wave of sadness, just knowing that I never got to know this person who I should have been able to love and be loved by. My brother died before I got the chance to hug him. He was gone before he got to teach me how to wrestle. He wasn't there through my parents' divorce to be that crying shoulder. He didn't abandon me, but the course of life separated us before he could do all those things.
This is the best analogy of God that I know. I am not saying that Matthew is God or that I worship my dead brother. What I am saying is that God is that something/someone that we all need. Whether you choose to believe it or not, God has put into every one of us a desire that only He can fill. Every one of us has been created to be in communion with God-but the sinfulness of mankind separates us. It is like me and Matthew: my whole life I knew that I wanted my big brother, even though I didn't know he existed. We are all ingrained with a need for God in our lives- whether we have come to realize that exact need yet or not. Complete joy love and peace are impossible without God. That need is only met through our accepting the sacrifice of Christ, which allows us to have a personal relationship with our Creator: God.
To the family looking for their lost member, I really do hope that you find each other. I will be praying for you. But more importantly, I pray that you know God. I sincerely hope that you find the source of joy and peace. If you already do (as I failed to ask when we spoke), then praise God and rest in Him. To everyone else who reads this, please listen to what I am saying. God loves you and wants to have a personal relationship with you. If you don't relate to that longing that I had with Matthew, please take my word for it, or at least take the principle to heart. You might not realize how much you need God, but know that nothing will ever fill the void in your life but Him. Money, popularity, friends (in my case most often), nothing will ever fill you but Him. Don't keep looking for what you are being told about right here, right now. Come to Jesus and live.
